"The Barbara Pack Story"

Barbara's web site www.freeatlastministries.com

E-Mail address saviorsservant@yahoo.com

Barbara's Testimony

It is always a joy and privilege to have the opportunity to share with others what God has done in my life.  Revelation 12:11 says, "They overcame him (that is satan) by the blood of the Lamb (that is Jesus) and by the word of their testimony."  My name is Barbara Pack and the following is my testimony

All of my life I felt abandoned, rejected, and unloved because I was put into a foster home and then adopted at the age of three.  I never understood why I was adopted, I just figured the very people who brought me into this world, who were supposed to love me, didn't want me.  This made it very difficult to bond with my adopted parents and family.

Attempting to deal with my beginnings and adolescence took its toll on me, and when I was twelve years old I took a lot of pills, not really wanting to die at this point, but desperately wanting something to change.  This decision began my institutionalization, and over a period of the next two years I was admitted and then court ordered to a series of five mental institutions.  When one place said they could no longer help me, they would just send me to another place, basically giving me the impression that I was hopeless and helpless.  My diagnosis is that of every person that has ever lived, that is alive now, or ever will live.  It's called SIN....but I wouldn't learn this truth until much, much later.

Sin separates us from the presence of God.  The Bible says in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God."

My adopted parents put me back into the stat's custody and I went before a judge once a month until finally I was discharged and placed back with my adopted parents.  I was fifteen years old now.  Not long after my release, my adopted father passed away from a heart attack.  My mom blamed me, saying it was all that I had put them through, showed me the door and told me I would never live there again.  So I walded across the street and called my outpatient therapist who agreed to let me live with her.  By this time in my life I held a deeply felt belief that there was something really wrong with me that wasn't necessarily wrong with everyone else and that was why no one loved me or wanted me, and always gave or sent me away.  I did not trust people and could not accept love.

I wore out my welcome there quickly.  Because she allowed me to live with her I now had a residence which to enroll into highschool.  I immediately began to hang out with the "wrong crowd".  We smoked pot, drank alcohol, and dropped acid (LSD).  We robbed houses in order to support our habit.  One evening I came home and all  my things were out on the porch, so I moved in with my twenty-one year old boyfriend and his mother.  She was an alcoholic as well and was living a homosexual lifestyle.  This was the first but not the last time I would be introduced to this.  I called my mom to see if I could come home, and the answer was no.  What little relationship I had with my boyfriend dwindled to nothing after I got pregnant and decided to have an abortion.  Regretfully, this was the first of four that I would eventually have.  I felt like this was the better option considering the situation I was in, because I was adopted and didn't want to put my babies up for adoption and them experience what I was going through, and also because it is legal.

After about eighteen months, my boyfriend went to jail for burglary.  I saw this as my way out of a desperate and scary situation.  I put myself in a drug rehabilitation center in downtown Oklahoma City.  Even though it was an adult facility and I was still seventeen, they agreed to let me in, but to no avail  I left before I finished that program.  I'm convinced today as I look back on my attempts to get sober that I desperately wanted to change and be clean but without salvation and the power of God through Jesus Christ in my life I might have wanted it but ultimately had no power within myself to accomplish it.  I left before I finished that program.

I remembered an old connection, called him up, and moved in with him and his mother.  He sold cocaine and she ran a psychic line in her home that was a cover for an escort service.  From the time I woke up until the time I passed out, I was always high or drunk.  I did drugs to relieve the pain of my circumstances and all it did was create more pain.  It wasn't long before his mom said it was time for me to go, but not without giving me a job opportunity.  She told me to go and meet with two men who had a job for me.  Because I believed I had no other option, only did what I thought I had to do to survive with no other place to go, I agreed.

At the interview, I met with two men who were a lot older than I was. They set a deck of cards  in front of me and told me I would be dealing cards for the American Legion.  Of course, this was not what I was going to be doing but I will spare the details, assuming you understand what I would be doing with my body.  I had been through and seen alot already but I was still nieve as to what I would have to do.  But there I was at seventeen turning my first trick for a place to live, clothes, food, and eventually drugs.

These men were gamblers.  They bet on football and would go to Las Vegas frequently.  while they were gone they would leave me at the dope house and said I could stay there until they got back.  It didn't take long before I was introduced to mainlining Heroin, Mepragan, Morphine, Demerol, Dilota, and Cocaine...whatever I could get my hands on.  By this point, I did want to die, and as far as I was concerned, the sooner I could accomplish that goal and the least painful way, the better.

I got very sick and checked myself into another hospital, Griffin Memorial Hospital in Norman, Oklahoma.  It was there they diagnosed me with Hepatitis B and C.  The doctor told me that I already had the liver of a seventy-year-old, there was no cure, and if I kept doing drugs and drinking, I would be dead by the time I was thirty.  what they didn't understand was that was what I wanted.  Thirty seemed like a long way off from eighteen, but at least I was that much closer to my goal.

One of the men I spoke of earlier agreed to take me to NW Oklahoma.  I got pregnant right away.  Not that I had done anything right up to this point, but having this baby seemed lie a good place to start, so we got married.  He had wanted a boy, and they told us we were having a boy when we had a girl, along with may other relationship issues, he claimed she was another man's child and neglected her.

I began to identify with my daughter's rejection.  what i experienced all my life, I now was watching my daughter beging to go through...the very thing I wanted to avoid.  The best way I knew to deal with that was how I had always dealt with my pain--drugs and alcohol and running.  I ventured to Woodward, Oklahoma and began using the drug of choice there, Methamphetamine, commonly known as crank.  In one year I racked up seven felony charges and was sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial.  My husband had filed for divorce, I lost temporary custody of my kids, and the last time I had gone before the judge, he told me I was looking at about sixty years if convicted on all counts.  I remember sitting in that jail cell feeling total despair with suicidal thoughts consuming me.  I would bang my head against the steel door due to utter frustration.  I couldn't stop, change, or save myself!

That's when I started reading a little Bible that had been placed in my cell.  I began reading in Psalms.  It talked a lot about enemies.  I had acquired quite a few of those by ten, namely myself.  I had been to church a few times in the small town I lived in, and one Sunday even walked down front wanting what the pastor so passionately spoke about.  I was even baptized, but didnt' understand who Jesus was, why I needed Him, or how He could change my life.  This soon changed.

Around this same time, two ladies knelt down by the  opening in my cell.  We called them the "church ladies".  My question for them was, "Do you have to go through this hell here on earth and then when you die, you can go to heaven and find relief and joy?"  I had believed that if I could just kill myself and die I would go straight to heaven and it would all be over.  I remember waking up in hopitals the next day with tubes in me having tried to take my life the night before cussing mad because I was still alive and still having to face my life.

One of them answered, "No, you can know joy and peace right here on earth."  As they moved on down to the next cell that is what I did...I bowed my head and I said, "God, I can't do this anymore, but if you can, then do it! Jesus, come into my life to be my Savior."  when I came up from that prayer, I knew!  My life has never been the same since.

Now, it has been a process to get where I am today, but that is where it started....at salvation. (Romans 10:9-10) By the grace of God I was sentenced to only ten years probation.  The judge also stated that I would have to complete a drug and alcohol program, which presented a problem right away, because I had never completed anything in my life.  I had attempted, and wanted to change, but I am convinced that without the power of the Holy Spirit inside of you, you might want to change, but ultimately have no power to do so.  Despite present fears and past failures, I took my youngest daughter at the time and went to a Women and Children's Treatment Center in Waynoka, Oklahoma.

This is where the seeds really began to be planted and grow in my life.  Two pastors came once a week and began teaching me the Word of God, gave me a Bible, and prayed over me and the other ladies who chose to come.  This was an exciting experience for me.  The bus would come, pick up, and take whoever wanted to go to church.  I also helped at the church in order to complete my community service points which were included in the steps.

All the while, Brother John was telling me how he used to be an alcoholic before the Lord saved him and called him to preach.  I remember going back to my room, getting on my knees, and praying "God , if You are really the God that Brother John is saying you are, and You want  me to serve You with all my life, then I'm going to need three things that only You can do!"  I asked the Lord to deliver me from my addiction to drugs and alcohol. I did not want to feel the need for drugs anymore.  I had tried and failed so many times that I knew only He could change that.  Second, I asked the Lord to let me know the truth about my adoption, because I didn't feel like I could really be free unless I knew the truth about where I came from.  Finally, I asked the Lord to give me a family that could love each other and serve Him together.

By the grace of God, I was able to complete that program and showed the judge a completion certificate!

There was a little lady who told me while I was there, "he that is in you is greater than he that is in the world."  I now know that Scripture is 1 John 4:4.  I knew about the world and just because you have changed, doesn't mean it has.  In fact, it is getting worse.  So, when I got out I went through many trials, but was eventually led to a church where I still attend regularly.  I have been loved more at this church than I have my entire life!  They have taught me what it means to love.  when you are on the street and doing drugs,it's all about yourself and how you can please and serve yourself and feed an addiction.  But now it's all about Jesus and how I can serve Him and others.

Around this same time, through a series of events, I was led to the state capitol in Oklahoma City, where I learned of an adoption registry.  I filled out a lengthy application requesting all non-identifiable information pertaining to my adoption.  Approximately three months later I received the information.  I learned at that time that my mother was mentally retarded, having an I.Q. of about 36, and my father was an alcoholic.  I also learned that I had two brothers, one and two years older than me.  There was other information about doctor reports which contained notes about second and third degree burns that I had sustained and some infections.  Our home environment was recorded as being severely deprived.  I later learned the extent of the abuse.  I was beat against walls, screamed at a lot, my arm had been broken, and the doctors reports mentioned infections in my body. These were just the things that were recorded.

I was so grateful to God to get this information.  It set me free from years of wondering and not knowing.  The Bible says in John 8:32, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."  And indeed it has!

One year later I was watching a children's movie entitled "Joseph, King of Dreams" with my girls.  It is taken from Genesis chapter 45, and it's where Joseph had been reunited with his family after being sold into slavery by his brothers.  Once again I prayed, "God, You're the same yesterday,m today, and forever.  What You did for Joseph, maybe You could do for me."  As of 1998, there has been an Intermediary Search Program, and after I had my information for six months, for a fee they would find my family and if they agreed to meet, we could be reunited.

In a really short period of time they found all the members of my family.  My middle brother, Robert was in prison when they found him, but was released some time later and I have since been able to meet him.  I went to Enid, Oklahoma only a little over an hour away to meet my oldest brother, John, who is also disabled like my mother.  From Enid I went to Sand Springs, near Tulsa, Oklahoma, to meet my parents who were still together.

My mother told me that when I was a year old we were living in the basement of a building, along with four other families, with no running water.  My parents had called welfare to get help, but when they saw the conditions we were living in, they took us all.  They gave us new names, and adopted us out.  

While I was there, my father was looking through his wallet for what seemed like a very long time.  He had a relieved look on his face as he pulled out a picture and handed it to me.  It was a picture, he explained, of my brothers and I sitting on his lap at the welfare office just before he relinquished custody.  It was a bit torn, tattered, and had paint splattered on it because he was a painter. It didn't matter.  He had saved it in his wallet all those years.  As I looked at it and back up at him with disbelief mixed with great relief he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me to forgive him.  My mom came to his side and said, "Yes, forgive us?" Overwhelmed I replied, "Done".  This special picture is now enlarged and framed over my desk in my office as a reminder to me that NOTHING is too difficult for God, lest I forget.  My father was able to meet all three of his children, my two brothers and I,  only two years before he died.  I was able to sing "Amazing Grace" at his funeral knowing that only by God's grace was any of this made possible. 

While at the visit my mother also told me that just two months earlier a friend of hers had invited and taken her to a church in town where she heard the truth, the gospel,  that Jesus could forgive her sins, save, and change her life. She surrendered her life to the Lord and as she was counseling with a lady at the front of the church, the one thing she said she wanted was to meet her daughter.  God is so wonderful  Two months later, after twenty-six years, there we were, our prayers being answered.

Not only has God reconciled me to my biological family but also with my daughters.  I'm also a part of an eternal family, and what is even better is that we are all adopted into God's family!  No one can come on their own, they have to go through the blood of Jesus. (Ephesians 1:1-14)

I asked the Lord for three things and He has been faithful to accomplish all three, and so much more.  There have been so many opportunities been given me over the past eleven years to share across this country and beyond of what God has accomplished in my life.  He continues to take all my life circumstances, good and bad, and now uses them for His glory to help others know Him. That is all I really want now. There is nothing else I'll be doing for the rest of my life except serving Him and going wherever He leads me.

Thank you,