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"The
Barbara Pack Story"
Barbara's web
site
www.freeatlastministries.com
E-Mail
address saviorsservant@yahoo.com
Barbara's Testimony
It is
always a joy and privilege to have the
opportunity to share with others what God has
done in my life. Revelation 12:11 says,
"They overcame him (that is satan) by the blood
of the Lamb (that is Jesus) and by the word of
their testimony." My name is Barbara Pack and
the following is my testimony
All of my life I
felt abandoned, rejected, and unloved because I
was put into a foster home and then adopted at
the age of three. I never understood why I was
adopted, I just figured the very people who
brought me into this world, who were supposed to
love me, didn't want me. This made it very
difficult to bond with my adopted parents and
family.
Attempting to deal
with my beginnings and adolescence took its toll
on me, and when I was twelve years old I took a
lot of pills, not really wanting to die at this
point, but desperately wanting something to
change. This decision began my
institutionalization, and over a period of the
next two years I was admitted and then court
ordered to a series of five mental
institutions. When one place said they could no
longer help me, they would just send me to
another place, basically giving me the
impression that I was hopeless and helpless. My
diagnosis is that of every person that has ever
lived, that is alive now, or ever will live.
It's called SIN....but I wouldn't learn this
truth until much, much later.
Sin separates us
from the presence of God. The Bible says in
Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and have
fallen short of the glory of God."
My adopted parents
put me back into the stat's custody and I went
before a judge once a month until finally I was
discharged and placed back with my adopted
parents. I was fifteen years old now. Not long
after my release, my adopted father passed away
from a heart attack. My mom blamed me, saying
it was all that I had put them through, showed
me the door and told me I would never live there
again. So I walded across the street and called
my outpatient therapist who agreed to let me
live with her. By this time in my life I held a
deeply felt belief that there was something
really wrong with me that wasn't necessarily
wrong with everyone else and that was why no one
loved me or wanted me, and always gave or sent
me away. I did not trust people and could not
accept love.
I wore out my
welcome there quickly. Because she allowed me
to live with her I now had a residence which to
enroll into highschool. I immediately began to
hang out with the "wrong crowd". We smoked pot,
drank alcohol, and dropped acid (LSD). We
robbed houses in order to support our habit.
One evening I came home and all my things were
out on the porch, so I moved in with my
twenty-one year old boyfriend and his mother.
She was an alcoholic as well and was living a
homosexual lifestyle. This was the first but
not the last time I would be introduced to
this. I called my mom to see if I could come
home, and the answer was no. What little
relationship I had with my boyfriend dwindled to
nothing after I got pregnant and decided to have
an abortion. Regretfully, this was the first of
four that I would eventually have. I felt like
this was the better option considering the
situation I was in, because I was adopted and
didn't want to put my babies up for adoption and
them experience what I was going through, and
also because it is legal.
After about
eighteen months, my boyfriend went to jail for
burglary. I saw this as my way out of a
desperate and scary situation. I put myself in
a drug rehabilitation center in downtown
Oklahoma City. Even though it was an adult
facility and I was still seventeen, they agreed
to let me in, but to no avail I left before I
finished that program. I'm convinced today as I
look back on my attempts to get sober that I
desperately wanted to change and be clean but
without salvation and the power of God through
Jesus Christ in my life I might have wanted it
but ultimately had no power within myself to
accomplish it. I left before I finished that
program.
I remembered an
old connection, called him up, and moved in with
him and his mother. He sold cocaine and she ran
a psychic line in her home that was a cover for
an escort service. From the time I woke
up until the time I passed out, I was always
high or drunk. I did drugs to relieve the pain
of my circumstances and all it did was create
more pain. It wasn't long before his mom said
it was time for me to go, but not without giving
me a job opportunity. She told me to go and
meet with two men who had a job for me. Because
I believed I had no other option, only did what
I thought I had to do to survive with no other
place to go, I agreed.
At the interview,
I met with two men who were a lot older than I
was. They set a deck of cards in front of me
and told me I would be dealing cards for the
American Legion. Of course, this was not what I
was going to be doing but I will spare the
details, assuming you understand what I would be
doing with my body. I had been through and seen
alot already but I was still nieve as to what I
would have to do. But there I was at seventeen
turning my first trick for a place to live,
clothes, food, and eventually drugs.
These men were
gamblers. They bet on football and would go to
Las Vegas frequently. while they were gone they
would leave me at the dope house and said I
could stay there until they got back. It didn't
take long before I was introduced to mainlining
Heroin, Mepragan, Morphine, Demerol, Dilota, and
Cocaine...whatever I could get my hands on. By
this point, I did want to die, and as far as I
was concerned, the sooner I could accomplish
that goal and the least painful way, the better.
I got very sick
and checked myself into another hospital,
Griffin Memorial Hospital in Norman, Oklahoma.
It was there they diagnosed me with Hepatitis B
and C. The doctor told me that I already had
the liver of a seventy-year-old, there was no
cure, and if I kept doing drugs and drinking, I
would be dead by the time I was thirty. what
they didn't understand was that was what I
wanted. Thirty seemed like a long way off from
eighteen, but at least I was that much closer to
my goal.
One of the men I
spoke of earlier agreed to take me to NW
Oklahoma. I got pregnant right away. Not that
I had done anything right up to this point, but
having this baby seemed lie a good place to
start, so we got married. He had wanted a boy,
and they told us we were having a boy when we
had a girl, along with may other relationship
issues, he claimed she was another man's child
and neglected her.
I began to
identify with my daughter's rejection. what i
experienced all my life, I now was watching my
daughter beging to go through...the very thing I
wanted to avoid. The best way I knew to deal
with that was how I had always dealt with my
pain--drugs and alcohol and running. I ventured
to Woodward, Oklahoma and began using the drug
of choice there, Methamphetamine, commonly known
as crank. In one year I racked up seven felony
charges and was sitting in a jail cell awaiting
trial. My husband had filed for divorce, I lost
temporary custody of my kids, and the last time
I had gone before the judge, he told me I was
looking at about sixty years if convicted on all
counts. I remember sitting in that jail cell
feeling total despair with suicidal thoughts
consuming me. I would bang my head against the
steel door due to utter frustration. I couldn't
stop, change, or save myself!
That's when I
started reading a little Bible that had been
placed in my cell. I began reading in Psalms.
It talked a lot about enemies. I had acquired
quite a few of those by ten, namely myself. I
had been to church a few times in the small town
I lived in, and one Sunday even walked down
front wanting what the pastor so passionately
spoke about. I was even baptized, but didnt'
understand who Jesus was, why I needed Him, or
how He could change my life. This soon changed.
Around this same
time, two ladies knelt down by the opening in
my cell. We called them the "church ladies".
My question for them was, "Do you have to go
through this hell here on earth and then when
you die, you can go to heaven and find relief
and joy?" I had believed that if I could just
kill myself and die I would go straight to
heaven and it would all be over. I remember
waking up in hopitals the next day with tubes in
me having tried to take my life the night before
cussing mad because I was still alive and still
having to face my life.
One of them
answered, "No, you can know joy and peace right
here on earth." As they moved on down to the
next cell that is what I did...I bowed my head
and I said, "God, I can't do this anymore, but
if you can, then do it! Jesus, come into my life
to be my Savior." when I came up from that
prayer, I knew! My life has never been the same
since.
Now, it has been a
process to get where I am today, but that is
where it started....at salvation.
(Romans 10:9-10)
By the
grace of God I was sentenced to only ten years
probation. The judge also stated that I would
have to complete a drug and alcohol program,
which presented a problem right away, because I
had never completed anything in my life. I had
attempted, and wanted to change, but I am
convinced that without the power of the Holy
Spirit inside of you, you might want to change,
but ultimately have no power to do so. Despite
present fears and past failures, I took my
youngest daughter at the time and went to a
Women and Children's Treatment Center in
Waynoka, Oklahoma.
This is where the
seeds really began to be planted and grow in my
life. Two pastors came once a week and began
teaching me the Word of God, gave me a Bible,
and prayed over me and the other ladies who
chose to come. This was an exciting experience
for me. The bus would come, pick up, and take
whoever wanted to go to church. I also helped
at the church in order to complete my community
service points which were included in the steps.
All the while,
Brother John was telling me how he used to be an
alcoholic before the Lord saved him and called
him to preach. I remember going back to my
room, getting on my knees, and praying "God , if
You are really the God that Brother John is
saying you are, and You want me to serve You
with all my life, then I'm going to need three
things that only You can do!" I asked the Lord
to deliver me from my addiction to drugs and
alcohol. I did not want to feel the need for
drugs anymore. I had tried and failed so many
times that I knew only He could change that.
Second, I asked the Lord to let me know the
truth about my adoption, because I didn't feel
like I could really be free unless I knew the
truth about where I came from. Finally, I asked
the Lord to give me a family that could love
each other and serve Him together.
By the grace of
God, I was able to complete that program and
showed the judge a completion certificate!
There was a little
lady who told me while I was there, "he that is
in you is greater than he that is in the world."
I now know that Scripture is 1 John 4:4. I
knew about the world and just because you have
changed, doesn't mean it has. In fact, it is
getting worse. So, when I got out I went
through many trials, but was eventually led to a
church where I still attend regularly. I have
been loved more at this church than I have my
entire life! They have taught me what it means
to love. when you are on the street and doing
drugs,it's all about yourself and how you can
please and serve yourself and feed an addiction.
But now it's all about Jesus and how I can
serve Him and others.
Around this same
time, through a series of events, I was led to
the state capitol in Oklahoma City, where I
learned of an adoption registry. I filled out a
lengthy application requesting all
non-identifiable information pertaining to my
adoption. Approximately three months later I
received the information. I learned at that
time that my mother was mentally retarded,
having an I.Q. of about 36, and my father was an
alcoholic. I also learned that I had two
brothers, one and two years older than me.
There was other information about doctor
reports which contained notes about second and
third degree burns that I had sustained and some
infections. Our home environment was recorded
as being severely deprived. I later learned the
extent of the abuse. I was beat against walls,
screamed at a lot, my arm had been broken, and
the doctors reports mentioned infections in my
body. These were just the things that were
recorded.
I was so grateful
to God to get this information. It set me free
from years of wondering and not knowing. The
Bible says in John 8:32, "You shall know the
truth and the truth shall set you free." And
indeed it has!
One year later I
was watching a children's movie entitled
"Joseph, King of Dreams" with my girls. It is
taken from Genesis chapter 45, and it's where
Joseph had been reunited with his family after
being sold into slavery by his brothers. Once
again I prayed, "God, You're the same
yesterday,m today, and forever. What You did
for Joseph, maybe You could do for me." As of
1998, there has been an Intermediary Search
Program, and after I had my information for six
months, for a fee they would find my family and
if they agreed to meet, we could be reunited.
In
a really short period of time they found all the
members of my family. My middle brother, Robert
was in prison when they found him, but was
released some time later and I have since been
able to meet him. I went to Enid, Oklahoma only
a little over an hour away to meet my oldest
brother, John, who is also disabled like my
mother. From Enid I went to Sand Springs, near
Tulsa, Oklahoma, to meet my parents who were
still together.
My mother told me
that when I was a year old we were living in the
basement of a building, along with four other
families, with no running water. My parents had
called welfare to get help, but when they saw
the conditions we were living in, they took us
all. They gave us new names, and adopted us
out.
While I was there,
my father was looking through his wallet for
what seemed like a very long time. He had a
relieved look on his face as he pulled out a
picture and handed it to me. It was a picture,
he explained, of my brothers and I sitting on
his lap at the welfare office just before he
relinquished custody. It was a bit torn,
tattered, and had paint splattered on it because
he was a painter. It didn't matter. He had
saved it in his wallet all those years. As I
looked at it and back up at him with disbelief
mixed with great relief he looked at me with
tears in his eyes and asked me to forgive him.
My mom came to his side and said, "Yes, forgive
us?" Overwhelmed I replied, "Done". This
special picture is now enlarged and framed over
my desk in my office as a reminder to me that
NOTHING is too difficult for God, lest I forget.
My father was able to meet all three of his
children, my two brothers and I, only two years
before he died. I was able to sing "Amazing
Grace" at his funeral knowing that only by God's
grace was any of this made possible.
While at the visit
my mother also told me that just two months
earlier a friend of hers had invited and taken
her to a church in town where she heard the
truth, the gospel, that Jesus could forgive her
sins, save, and change her life. She surrendered
her life to the Lord and as she was counseling
with a lady at the front of the church, the one
thing she said she wanted was to meet her
daughter. God is so wonderful Two months
later, after twenty-six years, there we were,
our prayers being answered.
Not only has God
reconciled me to my biological family but also
with my daughters. I'm also a part of an
eternal family, and what is even better is that
we are all adopted into God's family! No one
can come on their own, they have to go through
the blood of Jesus. (Ephesians 1:1-14)
I asked the Lord
for three things and He has been faithful to
accomplish all three, and so much more. There
have been so many opportunities been given me
over the past eleven years to share across this
country and beyond of what God has accomplished
in my life. He continues to take all my life
circumstances, good and bad, and now uses them
for His glory to help others know Him. That is
all I really want now. There is nothing else
I'll be doing for the rest of my life except
serving Him and going wherever He leads me.
Thank you,
Barbara
